mY l!ttle GaRdEN oF tHotS

Recently I bought a new toy. A new toy that is giving me fun and problem at the same time. It keeps me awake to the wee hrs till my sleeping time. But at the same time, I know that it is doing me much harm by not resting early. But new toy is fun.

Yesterday when I woke up, I had this new sensation that I never had before. I felt that I wanted to be rebellious, to live in my teens life again. Because of my principles, I had never enjoyed things that youth does. And strangely, I am beginning to do so.

Activity like clubbing never gets to the top of my fun list cause I had always been an uptight person. Recently I think it has become one of my 'Must Do' list. Getting drunk is the best part of the whole night. I thought hating to get drunk was one of the reason why I tried hard not to do nite clubs shows. So why am I looking forward to this event now?

Apart from drinking, I started to like doing many other things that I know in my so called "right frame of mind" I wouldn't do. They are not bad things like thefting, and what not. But just things that I wouldn't normally do. It sort of disturb me. The fact that I enjoy it knowing that its not me.

I talked to Al and he feels that perhaps I know that my life is going to change drastically, and the fear of changing makes me want to grab something from the past to hold on to (even if bad).

I'm just wondering, what am I trying to run away from? What is it that I fear so much that my mind is reacting and heart is enjoying things that I had pushed away so often in the past?

ZZzzz.. So much thoughts and reasonings are jamming in my head. But I am having a huge mental block.